Marriage & The MC: Your Club or Your Spouse

By: Sucka Free MC staff reporter Jazzie

Lady FAME Riders MC Cincinnati, OH

 I feel I should introduce myself before I get into the subject of this blog.

My name is Jazzie and I’m the VP of an all-female motorcycle club located in Cincinnati, Ohio. Our club was founded as a co-ed club in August 2003 and restructured as an all-female organization in March 2008. I have been a member of the club since December 2003 and was elected as VP in January of this year.

One of my prospects recently asked me, “Being a married woman in a club and on the set, how do you deal with that and how do you keep your marriage strong?” The prospect has been married for six years and I can tell that protecting her marriage is a big concern for her, as it should be. She even shared that one of the reasons she was attracted to my club was because she knew a few of our members are married. At the time I responded by advising what I feel works for me, but also told her that what works for me, may not work for others because as we all know, each relationship is different. So, what a coincidence when only a few days later, Preach told me I had been recommended as a guest author to write a blog on the subject of marriage on the MC circuit/community/set. More specifically, the blog is to focus on how does a person keep a marriage strong when they belong to the MC life and have a passion for it? I told him I didn’t know if I’m the candidate best suited to write a piece on keeping a marriage strong. I said that because this is my third marriage and we are still newlyweds, having not even been married for a year yet. I know that there must be other couples on the set whose relationships are strong and who have been together for a greater length of time, but I still feel honored that my opinion was asked for and I don’t mind sharing my thoughts on the subject.

First and foremost, you have to already have a solid and strong marriage as a foundation off the set before it will work on the set. As I thought about this topic, I kept going back to the fact that the ways to keep a marriage strong on the set are basically the same ways to keep a marriage strong off the set. There are no differences except for that everything on the MC set is magnified 100x. So arguments, compromises, differences, disagreements, and options (groupies) can appear larger than life on the set when the same circumstances may not have the same appearance off the set. My husband commented to me that the MC set will make a bad marriage worse and constantly test a good marriage. Well put, honey. That’s why having that foundation from the get go is important. But I also believe if you are really a part of being on the set, then this is your LIFE, not just your lifestyle and if that’s the case, as it is with me, then there is no separating the two. In my mind, I am always “on the set”.

I am spoiled because my husband is also always “on the set”.  He’s a President of an MC here in Cincinnati and has the same values regarding MC culture and life. I’m sure this makes our life and marriage much easier to manage than those folks who may have spouses who are not also a part of the MC circuit. We are blessed because we have the same mindset and the same commitment and enthusiasm for an activity that is an integral part of us and our relationship. That doesn’t mean we don’t face challenges because we do and again, I believe the same way to approach marriage on the set is the way you would approach marriage off the set. I found several sites online offering marriage advice (I know, corny right but I needed a template to initiate my thought process) and also had a sit down with my hubby before he and I agreed that the following guidelines were the best “bullet points” regarding maintaining a good and healthy marriage. Of course, I have tried to make it as relevant to the MC set as I can.

Show Love

Never ever let love diminish from your lives. So what if you are busy with work and constantly have club business to tend to? An OMC friend of mine stated that his mentor advised him to not be afraid to tell his Ol’ Lady he loves her and to show it. He said he was told to know when to go home and take care of home because if your house is not in order then this club life will never work out. I told my prospect who asked me about marriage, “Don’t let this MC stuff affect your home life”.  I know that’s easier said than done for some, but it shouldn’t be difficult if your family is always your first priority. I’ve seen many marriages fall apart strictly because of the MC set (mine included) and it’s not worth it. Keep your family and home #1.

Don’t Nag

Now this may apply more to those who have spouses off of the set. I recently wrote a Facebook post addressing this very issue. I have often wondered why so many women give their men a hard time about riding and being with the fellas if he belongs to a motorcycle club (or even if he doesn’t). Is it mainly women who don’t ride who constantly bitch when their significant other wants to turn a corner or go on a long distance ride with fellow riders? Or do those of us who ride also complain when our significant other wants to take a ride without us? And the same can be applied to the obligations those of us who belong to a club have to our club. We need to attend club meetings. Those of us who hold positions in our club may need to attend additional “officers only” meetings. We have club runs and other obligatory commitments. Do we want to be given the third degree or have an argument each and every time one of these events comes up and we have to walk out the door? No. You have to understand that every person has a limit of tolerance. Once you push a person beyond that level, trouble occurs. Pick your battles.

Respect

Does this really need an explanation? You give respect, you get respect. Don’t forget your spouse has an individual identity, despite the fact that you are a couple. This is a huge aspect between me and my husband. He and I have both been on the set for years and were familiar with each other before we started dating. We each had a mutual respect for one another as riders and for our roles in the MC community prior to becoming a couple. I know that the initial foundation of respect I had for him has been a cornerstone in our marriage. I would never contemplate speaking to him crazy or out of turn in anger as I have done in past relationships and I believe that deep rooted respect is one reason why.

Resolve Fights

Never ever leave fights or bitter arguments for the next time. Resolve your arguments and fights then and there. Do not hesitate to say “sorry” if it’s your mistake. I can honestly say that my husband and I don’t fight, at all. We don’t always see eye to eye on issues but we “agree to disagree” and leave it at that. I was dismayed and saddened recently when one of my brothers approached me about issues he and his wife were having. He shared with me that when he had left their home for the trip he was currently on, his wife refused to give him a kiss because they had been arguing. What? This man was traveling out of state on 2’s and couldn’t even get a goodbye kiss from his wife. I was shocked. How many of us (men and women both) behave in that manner? How would his wife feel if, God forbid, that was his last ride and he didn’t make it back home? The old saying for married couples is to never go to bed angry. For bikers in relationships, we should never depart one another’s company angry. Ever.

Communicate

Talk to each other as much as you can. It helps to bring two people closer and you get to understand each other better. A part of good communication is good listening. Actually listen to your partner and hear what they are saying. You can’t do this if you are already thinking in your mind how you’re going to reply to a comment they are making. This may be a reason why my husband and I don’t fight. We communicate effectively and don’t get frustrated with each other.

Be Faithful

This one is probably the biggest challenge to couples on the MC set. There are so many opportunities to NOT be faithful and it’s easier to have an indiscretion on the circuit. Hell, it seems like it’s almost encouraged to be a whore in the MC community. Men and women both are faced with groupies who throw themselves at a biker. Individuals are constantly surrounded by attractive folks of the opposite sex we are told to “network” with.  Add to that the code of “secrecy” and loyalty amongst bikers and their clubs and to many, it is way too tempting to not get a little taste from someone other than your spouse within the MC world. In order to keep a relationship alive, you have to have faith and trust in your partner. No one is perfect and you have to accept the other person just as he/she accepts you, with both the positives and the negatives. But if that faith and trust is ever broken, it can sometimes be damn near impossible to earn it back. And yes, it has to be EARNED, over time. Why risk losing that trust? Is a piece of ass really worth it? For me, if you have no trust, there’s no point in being in a relationship. Again, if your family and home is a priority to you, this shouldn’t be difficult or an issue.

Compromise

Everyone is required to make compromises at some point in life. It is not possible to have everything that you desire, at the expense of someone else. Again, this isn’t a big deal in my household because we are both on the set and usually have the same commitments that need to be met and can do them together. For those who may have to explain their continued absences to a partner at home, compromise can be a great tool to utilize. Do you really have to go to that meeting or party? And if the answer is yes, I am required to go to that party, why not take your mate with you? Of course, only if that works for you and yours. I know some marriages on the set that work only because the MC life is kept completely separate from the home life, to the point that no one on the set has ever even seen some folks’ husbands or wives. Or know they are married for that matter.  

Honesty

Honesty is another important aspect of maintaining a strong marriage. I never doubt or wonder about what my husband tells me. He was actually brutally honest with me before we got married. Considering we had both been on the set for years and knew the same people, and moved in the same circles, we decided it was best to air our skeletons and share with one another any information we didn’t want the other to potentially hear from someone else. You all can interpret that however you choose. And ouch! My feelings got hurt but I appreciated hearing what I heard from him and not from a third party. He told me he wanted me to know everything I needed to know and didn’t want anyone to be able to come to me and tell me anything I wasn’t already aware of. So I know ALL of his “dirty little secrets”…he only had a couple, and he knows about mine. We continue to approach our marriage the same way now. No one can come to me and tell me anything about my husband! Please don’t even try. That sense of trust in him gives me a calm, peace, and resolve I didn’t experience in my previous marriages.

Take a Break

Allot one day in the week that you will devote just for the two of you. It could be every Sunday (church, football game, or a movie) and it doesn’t need to be anything extravagant or too mushy. You have to continue to do the things that attracted your mate to you in the first place. Don’t ever take one another for granted. I read somewhere once that a good marriage is one where you fall in love with your spouse over and over again. Do whatever it takes to make that happen. And if you happen to be a couple who are both on the set, make sure you engage in activities together that don’t have anything to do with club commitments. I’m sure some folks who know me may think I breathe, eat , and live MC…that I’m “obsessed” with it but it really isn’t all I do or all I know. I have other hobbies and interests that my hubby and I engage in and it gives us a breather from being on the set. Being friends is extremely important. My husband is my best friend and I love being able to say that and mean it.

I have tried to break it down as simply as I could, what I believe is necessary to enjoy a drama-free marriage and still entertain your passion for the MC circuit/community/set. I can only speak on what I know of course, and these are points that are important and relevant to me. I know some folks may think I’ve missed the mark entirely and that’s fine. We all come from different circumstances and experiences. Ultimately, everyone has to figure out what works for their own household and peace of mind.

But know this, if you’re in a committed relationship or married, and act like you’re single, eventually you will be.

Jazzie