I love the term “Coming to Jesus” meeting because the reference suggests that at the point in life, or the next one, when you’re called to Jesus you might as well be honest ‘cause this guy is a walking lie detector machine and if he’s your last chance between going up and down, you might as well come clean. The problem with the phrase however is that some people openly don’t believe in Jesus and when I say, “come to Jesus” they think I’m inviting them to the local bodega so Jesus behind the counter can give us a discount on our beer. The other term I dig is open kimono. A kimono is a Japanese nighty that both men and women wear and the idea is once you open that kimono there’s nothing there but the truth so if you lied on your FB profile and said you had a ten inch member and you open up that kimono and she’s subtracting inches by the foot…well, you do the math.
The point is, let’s be honest and if we’re going to do that with the current state of the MC community we need to acknowledge that MC now stands for Mo’ Cash and not motorcycle club and there are a number of reasons why. I have always preached and believe staunchly that the three pillars of MC are brotherhood, bikes and riding. If your club doesn’t centralize all its principles around those three things then you are not a functioning club in a traditional sense. Notice not one of those descriptions includes making money. I’m not ridiculous in thinking a club doesn’t have to come up with ways to make money but when making money and exploiting the community take precedence over any of the three pillars, then your club has been compromised by the greed of capitalism and as Rome was eventually destroyed, so will your club.
I’m not so delusional that I would spend this time attacking all the means that clubs have come up with to make money but taking my usual approach with the fuckery that has permeated clubs today, I will make recommendations as to how perhaps these club can take their MC approach of Mo’ Cash and make it profitable by completely, not partly, but completely exploiting the community so that all that is left are true bikers who never supported their bullshit in the first place.
My first suggestion…
I believe MC’s should get into the fast food business immediately. The reason why I say this is because MC’s are more into the business of Fish Fries and other heart stopping, vein clogging events than anything else. God forbid there’s a ride somewhere out of state. Who wants to do that when you can instead ride a few blocks over and get your fish that’s been soaking in grease so heavy it could sink a naval warship. In other words you’re given another opportunity to not ride your bike a long distance and represent your club states away. In other words it takes away from one of the pillars of what MC should be and that’s riding and brotherhood. You may go to the fish fry with your sparkling clean bike and park it for all the other Sucka MC’s to stare and gawk at but if you were doing some real riding, what time would you have to clean that thing? I have no issue with fish fries but when the paramount objective of your club is to attend one fish fry after the other weekend after weekend then there is a problem and what you’ve become is social club on two wheels. Secondly, I’ve come across clubs who have more than one fish fry per month because their club house essentially has become a fish restaurant. I hate walking into a club house and I come out smelling like what they’ve been cooking. When the smell of fish is so thick that I’m literally growing gills to even breathe in your clubhouse, you’ve crossed the line.
So my advice is this, why not just open up an MC fish fry franchise? Use your fish fry skills to the fullest and take advantage of all that grease you’ve accumulated and do it right. It makes perfect sense. Not only can you park your bikes outside but the restaurant can double as your MC’s clubhouse since 20% of your members don’t own bikes anyway. The big money making idea however is that the other Sucka MC’s in your region will have a place to throw their weekly fish fries all the time so you’ll literally have money swimming through your front door 24/7.
The other one that I’ve noticed are trophy parties. Trophy parties have long since been a part of the MC culture and no one is knocking them but what I continue to knock are the trophies that are given out at these events. Again, let’s refer to the three pillars: if the trophies you’re giving out don’t somehow tie into bikes, brotherhood or riding then why would any real biker want anything you’re giving. I have yet to understand why a real biker would want a trophy. Personally my two trophies are the bike in between my legs and the brothers I rode there with. I don’t need anything else BUT if you did want to give me something as in an award for attending please make it in the form of a gas card, hotel room, or how ‘bout bottles of Jack Daniels. That’s something a biker like myself can appreciate. We’ve even heard of fights where people have come to blows over trophies. Remember I did mention the word brotherhood, right? Back in the day some old timers told me the trophies included a woman, tattoo …women (plural) and almost certainly money for gas or a room in the event you came from a long distance. Also this old timer said after the trophies were given out nobody left. Everyone stayed and got drunk off their asses and just had a good ol’ time. In today’s trophy party circuit, when a trophy is given out the party nearly always disperses and things die afterwards. Why? The purpose of attending the event was NOT brotherhood, riding or bikes; it was most certainly just to get a trophy for most repped, first through the door or something equally stupid.
My suggestion is this…
The first person through the door or the first club should be awarded with a shot of Jack or something along those lines and welcomed in. Any club that shows up in a cage needs to be charged double at the door and is excluded from the possibility of winning any award that evening. Additionally, has anyone ever looked at the clubs giving out these trophies? The reason I bring it up is this…would an actor of Robert DeNiro’s caliber accept an award for acting brilliance from someone of…hmmmm…Nicholas Cage’s stature? The point is, no one would even put the two of them on the same stage for a serious event because Cage’s presence alone makes the entire award a sham. If the MC giving out the trophies is a Sucka MC themselves how is the MC who accepts an award from them?
I know of an MC that has bikes lined up in their club house and outside yet I’ve never not once seen them on the road. That is the truth. However their clubhouse stays packed. Yes, they have a bar and they have music and the police pretty much stays away and on a slow night it might very well be a good place to park up once and a while but why do they still refer to themselves an MC? If you no longer ride your scoots but you cater to the party atmosphere of the circuit then you’re a social club.
Follow me on this…
So many people in the MC world are complaining that SC’s don’t know their place and while in some cases that is true, maybe it’s the people in the MC world who don’t know what place to put a SC because they themselves are too busy being social. If you are more involved in the social side of the MC then there’s the opportunity to push the brotherhood aspect of the life and provide a meeting place for all MC’s to come together and work on that brotherhood. Yes, you can still make money from it by even renting out your own space and allowing other clubs to use it as a weekly clubhouse for their meetings and having a weekly party there. There’s merit in providing and facilitating a place for meetings because you are ultimately pushing a place to foster that brotherhood but a SC who rides motorcycles disguising themselves as an MC is really dirty business and not open kimono at all.
We’re going to switch the conversation from kimono’s to robes because we have to talk about Jesus. No, not the one at the bodega but rather the Jesus who seems to be at every single bike blessing week after week after week. While I understand Jesus is everywhere but don’t we believe that Christ Almighty has better things to do then attend bike blessings week after week after week? What’ s worse is, let’s say Jesus did make time to attend each of these bike blessings, how angry do you think He’d be to find that some of these MC’s are charging people to attend these events?
Need I remind y’all what happened last time Jesus flipped his dome at church?
John 2:15 And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables;
You can’t tell me Jesus wasn’t a One Percent Outlaw. He saw something wrong and did something about it and he wasn’t half stepping. Now if one of us were to come to a bike blessing and flip the shit outta your tables would we be assholes or would we be following the steps of Jesus Christ Almighty? It seems to me that MC’s who charge clubs to get a blessing are doing a wonderful job of fucking their brothers in the MC community...which I suppose would make them Catholic bike blessings especially if you bring a priest and a little boy…but we digress...If the meaning behind the bike blessing is indeed sincere maybe there should be one huge bike blessing per region and the clubs should all attend that one. I think Jesus would appreciate it because while He may be great at multi-tasking, we shouldn't have to ask Him to do that.
The reality is that motorcycle clubs must find a way to make money in order to sustain themselves and we understand that. It costs money to maintain the clubhouse and other day to day MC expenses but when making the money comes at the sacrifice of why the club was supposedly formed in the first place means that club has lost its way. In history it is often noticed that the peasants who rise up against the tyrants often become tyrants themselves unless in the revolution, there is a revolution in of itself.
We’re not asking for a revolution…we’re just asking for less fish.
For the love of God, keep your MC Sucka Free